Hot Off the Truck Knockoff Consoles

Posted on July 22, 2009. Filed under: Game, Misc. Geekery | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , |

I have a new favorite site, You May Also Like…, that finds the shit people trick you into buying after either a drug-fueled binge or getting your AARP card (or both? Tweaking grandmas?). So, out of sheer curiosity and wanting a good laugh, I went to one of their usual haunts, the Taylor Gifts website. Honestly, I have gotten a few ideas of what I need to spruce up and organize our little apartment in the Mushroom Kingdom that are actually useful (like an over-the-door pantry rack, or this decorative rack, and something to create more counter space in our teeny tiny kitchen) but I REFUSE to buy anything from them because I can find it elsewhere for much cheaper and be able to return it much more easily and directly without ponying up s&h a second time. Screw that.

I also found a lot of shit. A LOT. Lazy shit, useless shit, stupid shit, overpriced shit, worthless shit, gross shit, what-the-hell-does-this-exist-for shit, etc.

All they are good for is a roaring laugh at the expense of people being duped into debt (not that I’m one to talk, I have student loans).

But then I paused–I froze, much like this device probably will–when I came upon this gem: The Zone Wireless Game Station (yet it is curiously labeled as “Reactor”):

What… the… hell?

For 60 bucks, you can go to GameStop and get a used PS2 or 2 Gamecubes, which would be SOOOOOO much better than this. There aren’t even any reviews up for this yet because their loyal customers are nothing but a bunch of grannies, but maybe during the holidays they’ll get this because their Social Security checks unfortunately cannot cover the extra $190 (honestly, whose paycheck can these days at all? Even if the full $250 is affordable for a brand new current gen console, but still, get a freaking Wii or get something else entirely. But not a shitty-quality Michael Jackson commemorative T-shirt that looks like something Jermaine bedazzled and sells from the trunk of his 1973 shit-brown Ford Pinto–I’m only guessing. Don’t sue me). Better yet, just give the precious snowflake the 60 bucks.

…Actually, now that I’m looking more, that shit-inspiration is really the SECOND GENERATION. The first gen (with 7 games instead of 32) is on clearance for $39.99, so get it now while supplies last!

*facepalm* btw, it’s 16-bit. As much as Sega Genesis was awesome, the point is to progress technology, not to regress.

And OMFG, they are BATTERY-powered–even the consoles! No indication of an AC-adapter. TEN AA batteries. Cannot possibly be ALL for the wands. Just pure batteries that will suck you out of money. You only THINK you’re helping the environment by not using the electricity through your light socket, but no, they will end up in a New Jersey landfill. Fail. You lose, good day, sir. Next time you’re at a beach in Atlantic City using your preferred-player casino-hotel nights, wave hello to that pile you wasted. And, no, this shit never works.

However, if you do have a REAL Wii, the fine folks at Taylor Gifts also offer some shitty peripherals:

Only $9.98 a pop. Sorry golfers, only the bat and the racket are left.

Whew! That site exhausted me. Let’s see what else is on the internets…

Ah, this What-exactly-is-this-knocking-off knockoff:

The box says:

  • Excelencia
  • Entusiasmo
  • Disfrute
  • Hospitalidad

No, it’s not saying it’s going to excellently and enthusiastically dismember you so you end up in a hospital and are subjected to playing this piece of shit until you recover.

  • Excellence
  • Enthusiasm
  • It enjoys
  • Hospitality

That’s the literal translation according to Babel Fish. A console that’s hospitable? So it offers you a drink whenever you are at its house? In that case, make it a double.

Only ONE of the controllers is a rumble pack, but I wonder, wtf kind of games could you play? You couldn’t play a 360 game because it is a network (and has a way higher graphic quality, I’m sure, than this sad knockoff can handle). Perhaps PS2 games, or maybe Gamecube? And bonus: this “console” comes in black or white, so you can choose to coordinate that shitty hardware with whatever else (either as black as the heart, or white as the hair of the person who buys this for you)

Oh, and btw, they’re only available in bulk orders of 1000. You do have 999 friends, right? No word on the price, but I imagine it’s much higher MSRP than anyone would be willing to pay for that dust-collector. Psh! I’d rather see it used as a portable toilet.

…Ho…ly…shit…

I found knockoffs I could actually love: The Retro Duo and Gen X

It plays Sega Genesis, NES, and SNES cartridges. My favorite childhood consoles!! Found something like it for 80 bucks, but they’re way overpriced since a brand new Wii console there will set you back 275 clams. Might as well get that Zone Wireless Game Thingamajigger. Wait, no. No. Just no.

There’s no school like the old-school.

…but… wtf is this shit?:

I can’t even tell what it is or what it (supposedly) does, but I read in this very short gizmodo article that this circa early-90s-lunchbox-looking “console” claims to play 999,999,999 games. You really couldn’t do just ONE more to get to the full billion? FAIL.

I know there’s a shit-ton more knockoffs, but these are the ones that amused me/saddened me most.

After going through all that, I’m gonna need one of these:

Of course, I can find it cheaper than $29.98. Or, shit, just give me the freaking bottle. No need to dirty anything else.

Yes, Xbox-PS2-Atari-wtf-are-you knockoff, I WILL take that drink now. Screw the rocks. I’ll take it straight.

My shit counter is at 21, including that last shit.

Shit. 23.

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