It’s Not Just the Internet That’s for Porn…

Posted on July 8, 2009. Filed under: Game, Misc. Geekery | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , |

I’m not a gamer, so I’m late to things. Forgive me.

Warning: These videos are NSFW. Kind of a given, but some people need to be told. Disclaimer: It is not my fault if you get fired from your job for not doing the proper thing and bringing in your own laptop and connecting to a nonwork-affiliated wifi. Or just waiting til you get home you horny jackass.

XP! LET’S PLAY SPOT THE PUNS!!!

So CheapyD just twittered about “The world’s first action adventure porno video game”– BoneTown. They had to be that specific because it’s not the first porn game (I keep trying to spell ‘pron’… damn leets). Porn games have been around since the early 80s. I’ve known about this for a while (so I’m not THAT n00b-y) because it’s amazing what you can stumble into within just an hour of surfing on Wikipedia. Now these games are just kitschy and hilarious, like anything you’d find on the Home Shopping Network. I wouldn’t balk if the gamerbf came home with these since, well, they’re funny collectibles, certainly coffee table conversation pieces, and we also don’t have the consoles to play them on. C’est la vie.

The company Mystique filled the “Swedish erotica” hole in the video gaming market in 1982. From them came a slew of Atari 2600 games, such as the classic gems like “Beat ‘Em & Eat ‘Em”, “Bachelor Party” (no young Tom Hanks here, as it was still 2 years before the film’s release, sorry ladies. Atari was ahead of its time), and the fabled “Custer’s Revenge” where a naked, erect General George Armstrong Custer tries to find a way to bang a naked, big-breasted Native American woman tied up to a totem pole. It’s too ridiculous to be offensive. That and the 8-bit graphics help keep the X-rating down to more of a modern-day PG-13 with all the unintentional pixelization. It’s looks more, dare I say, cute than it does like something your twice-divorced 40-something cousin would actually get his rocks off on. ‘Cute’ in the sense that your hormonal 12-something cousin would be making those games for a giggle to gross out their sisters, and 8-bit’s the best he could do on his hand-me-down computer.

Besides, how in the hell COULD you manipulate TWO joysticks at the same time?? Especially with how bulky and stiff the Atari joysticks were. But if you’re a basement-dwelling, mouth-breathing, twice-divorced 40-something cousin eating failure piles in a sadness bowl and shitting into pringles cans, you’ll find a way.

So here’s “Beat ‘Em & Eat ‘Em”

“Bachelor Party”, where a suggested guy sprite literally bangs suggested girl sprites:

And, of course, “Custer’s Revenge”. I assume ‘revenge’ for being a media whore and getting fatally shot while commanding a one-sided battle:

Let’s be honest here, setting aside my twin X-chromosomes, she’s blindfolded and tied up. She’s really being raped. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not getting all up in arms about it. I’m not going to burn my bra or tie my black patent boots (which I don’t have …sorry honey) on tight, but let’s just call it as it is. That’s his ‘revenge’. Now that said, if I did get my hands all over that and started playing around with it, I’d laugh my ass off. But let’s just call it as it is, is all I’m saying.

Anyway, here’s BoneTown in all its gloryhole …um, glory…

Now it’s probably because I’ve got the double-whammy of both being a chick and an outright entertainment snob… I feel dirty, like my underwear contents have shifted unpleasantly and violently, and suddenly I have a pile of soiled counterfeit cash on my dresser that smells of sweat, blood, and cocaine. Now even though “Chariots of Fire” is one of my favorite films, I also love things that are raunchy and dirty, like any film from the 80s. You could say technically, like Molly Ringwald, I HAVE given panties to a geek. But I digress, I like dirty, but not DIRRTY.

What’s with the bust-waist-hip ratio that’s even worse than Barbie’s? It’s not body image I’m concerned about. How can they even do anything remotely doggie-style without snapping like a Slim-Jim? And there’s a Jewish redneck? Hell, the dude’s a rabbi! Ron Jeremy?! Mr. Jeremy, I have to say, is the obvious highlight. How can you have anything sex-related and NOT have Mr. Jeremy? That and the line, “We are not Arab, you ignorant pieces of shit! We are fucking Indians!” That made me quake so hard with a thousand ecstasies that the Earth moved.

I went to their official website. Of course, like any responsible mature website, you have to be at least 18. I’ve got almost 7 years on that, but I put down that my birthday’s January 22nd, 1960 anyway. Like any 12 year-old could. But it doesn’t matter because they have a woman on that same age verification page on all fours with her brown eye trying to say hi. Silly gooses!

At least the game is educational in case any 12 year-olds sneak through with their lying and daddy’s credit card number, as it tells us about history. In place of Puritans colonizing the US and cheating the Native Americans out of, erm, everything, instead they have the Mormons, as Puritans died out eons ago from sexless lives. Mormons are the 21st Century’s answer to the 19th Century. Instead of the Salem Witch Trials killing Puritanical influence, it took a plane crash of hard rockers to find all the drugs on the island and lick it up (that damn song…). Anyway, other cultures get wind of this freedom and freelove, and the island becomes a government-less melting pot.

DUN DUN DUN! But then, someone had the bright idea to introduce *gasp!* Crack. Oh noes! The black people did it! Money, power, and influence grew with the crack market and a corporation called “The Man” took control of it all, while society bent over and took it. Then after The Man had its fill, they criminalized all drugs and started passing more laws based on decency, sex, and conservatism.

Oh, and your own personal power and influence is dictated by your ball size.

They have notable characters in the game like Ron Jeremy, Moses, Jesus, Joseph Smith (who, according to the game, discovered Mormonism while on shrooms–Shroomanism!), ButtMan, Sexbot 0069, and Captain James T. Jerk, who probably has the biggest huevos in the land.

Their communities are broken down into these varied groups: Pygmies, Natives, Mormons, Hippies (duh), Mexicans, Blacks, The Man Corp, East Indians, White Trash Jews (what?), Asians (the people who finance us), Greeks (Frats and Sororities), Rockers (one rocker died next to his 50 wives and 200 children …Are you sure HE wasn’t Mormon?), and what every society needs: Crackheads.

…They need to proofread their pages, not because of any spelling and grammar errors, but because they’ve copied and pasted the same descriptions on the same page more than once. Sloppy. Oh, and they use a Star Wars reference for Capt. Kirk/Jerk. Fail.

The game is astutely observant to how the world currently is and twists it even further from there into fucked up angles. I don’t know whether to be utterly offended or highly amused. So I’ll settle for generally confused. I’ll play it. I won’t buy it, but I’d try it if given the chance just to see for myself.

I do have to say that for a game so full of rampant racism and misogyny, they certainly put a lot of thought into it.

And, for your enjoyment, here’s some more videos from their site.

~Peach

Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )

Liked it here?
Why not try sites on the blogroll...