Hey Gamers: Pop a Prozac with a Slim-Fast Chaser

Posted on August 18, 2009. Filed under: Misc. Geekery | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , |

File this under “Obvious”.

The Centers for Disease Control, killing time while trying to cure AIDs or cancer, is set to publish a study this October in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine about links between gaming, and health and personality.

This just in: Gamers tend to be fatter and sadder. Yes, mostly causation vs. correlation takes a backseat, but the pattern remains. The psychological and physical profile of a gamer fits exactly with the stereotype: a socially awkward 35 year-old, tending to be male, with a proclivity towards cheetos and frozen burritos, although it mentions nothing about living in their mothers’ basements. They should have asked about that, THEN we’d have a punchline.

But anyone with half a brain can tell you that statistics SUCK. I’ll grant, statistics can be useful, but statistics paint a very cold, and even judgmental picture without telling you the whole story.

PC World brings up valid arguments about how gamers lifestyles and career preferences do lean more toward the sedentary side (usually tending to being chained in a cubicle farm for many hours, like Mario, and after those long hours, you want nothing more than to continue sitting on your ass and pwning some n00bs until it’s time to get 6 hours of sleep).

Not just gaming, but jobs can make you depressed and overweight, life events can make you depressed and overweight, genetics can make you depressed and overweight, cruel school bullies can make you depressed and overweight, that asshole who cut you off on the highway the other day can make you depressed and overweight, and your Mom’s famous tuna casserole made with cream of mushroom soup can make you overweight (but depressed?).

Too. Many. Fucking. Variables.

C’mon CDC, you should know this shit by now!

And the BMI system is an antiquated and flawed one. Schwarzenegger, at the height of his bodybuilding days, was at his peak of health and nothing but kick-ass muscle …and would have been considered obese. FAIL.


A different angle — How about the argument that we humans, despite how technologically advanced we are, are still primitive creatures. We hoard. We gorge. All because our monkey brains have no clue when our next meal will be, even if we are aware it’s spaghetti and meatballs night when we get home from work, yet we’ll still reach for that candy bar because we feel drawn to. Who knows, maybe your car will break down on the way home in the middle of nowhere. Your brain is not fully aware that you also have a cell phone and maybe some flares in your trunk.

Also in spite of technology and how much time it has saved us, we’re still always in a hurry and that hurry seems to just get worse and worse (thanks entirely to a globally-connected economy that puts pressure on business, that in turn put pressure on its employees — not saying being global is bad, I’m just saying HOW it’s being handled is unhealthy). It’s breakfast, but we’re in a hurry–Let’s choke down some pop-tarts. It’s lunchtime, but we’re in a hurry–Where’s the nearest microwave so I can nuke this mega-sized meat and cheese burrito? It’s dinnertime, but I’m in a hurry to relax from my hectic day–Let’s get pizza delivery.

We no longer have to hunt or forage (or, hell, even cook a meal from scratch), but tell that to our primitive brains. You can’t. And I believe THAT is the biggest reason why so many people are overweight or obese. We have advanced technologically faster than we humans have ourselves, creating a large disconnect that we can’t possibly catch up to. Not to say that we’re not responsible for our own damn actions. We absolutely are, just saying there’s more to the story than just making poor choices or blaming genetics (which I feel most people use as an excuse rather than a real explanation. Don’t tell me it’s freaking genetics when you’re getting your third helping of fried chicken and mashed ‘taters doused in country gravy. Save it)

Technology could also be a reason for depression as well. Going back to the cubicle farm and all the globally-connected pressures, this causes stress, which in turn causes depression. This could also then cause a thirst for violence without actual harm, or for simple want of an addiction turn to gaming (or alcohol, or drugs, or food, or hookers, or putting babies on spikes).

That is ONE way of interpreting the statistics. ONE possibility. Another is that gaming itself, regardless of technology and life, causes depression. As far as we know, the study mentions nothing about causality, making the statistics sound nothing more than just pure coincidence.

I fit a great deal of their profile: socially awkward, depressed, connect mostly online, lowered health status, although I am considered a normal BMI, and I am NOT a gamer. I’m trying, but it’s just not in me to be a “gamer”. I haven’t touched Halo 1 in over a week, and I feel no pull to play it even though it’s a damn good game and I greatly enjoy it.

You see, I’m a casual player and a voyeuristic enthusiast.

That sounded dirtier than intended. I like it.


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The World of Warcraft’s Gone Mad

Posted on July 31, 2009. Filed under: Misc. Geekery | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , |

((Before I get into the article, I will NOT be playing GTA IV. I tried. I failed. Immediately. Mario recommends Halo 1. Any ideas for a beginner such as myself? Please nothing cutesy. Had enough of that.))

Here’s a little entertainment for you during this post. The title’s a play on the title of the awesome collaboration between Handsome Boy Modeling School and Alex Kapranos of Franz Ferdinand, “The World’s Gone Mad”:

I came across this article a few days ago, Addiction Therapists Signing Up to World of Warcraft.

The funny thing is for most of high school, I wanted to become a therapist (people always came to me with their problems because I’m trustworthy or some shit, so why not legitimately make some money off of it? Oh, and help people. Right). Mario becomes addicted to games easily and focuses intensely (he’s currently driven to finish off Fallout 3). He’s even been knocking around the idea of joining WoW again after he finishes building his computer.

Never thought I’d actually say this, but THANK GOD WE ARE POOR BASTARDS.

But who needs WoW, when Star Wars: The Old Republic will be out next year? And that’s when Princess Daisy and I both become MMO widows.

So the deal with the article is therapists are actually JOINING MMORPGs, observing patients, and administering therapy in their patient’s addictive environment. Tricky business, especially if the therapists may become addicted themselves, then all hell breaks loose and there are suddenly no more boars to slaughter, so no more backdoors to level up, pussies!

But probably going (NSFW, duh) Clockwork Orange on all their asses would be best for WoW addicts. (God, I love that soundtrack. Ludwig Van)

The program sounds both simple and convoluted at the same time (as all sciencey things invariably do). Therapists join the game, create avatars, play the game, and all that jazz. They also recruit what they call “peer mentors” from those who do indeed play WoW, but are somehow miraculously NOT addicted –Isn’t it usually a cycle where you play 16-hour days for weeks, then just get burnt out and not play for several months to get another job to support yourself –that is until you pick up the latest expansion pack and then quit your job and resubscribe? I thought with WoW, you’re either an obsessed current player, or else an obsessed player on furlough.

Here’s what makes me itchy, though: Therapists are crossing their fingers that Blizzard Entertainment will give them discounted rates, or else all together WAIVE the fees because it’s–OH NOES!–pricey.

But that’s the cost of business, right? It would be written off as a business expense come tax time. I don’t know how it is in the UK, but in the US therapists get paid around $200-something an hour, and that’s a middle-of-the-road therapist, so why the hell can’t they pay the $19.99 for the game disk, and the $29.99 and $39.99 for the expansion packs ONCE upfront, then the 15 bucks per month to subscribe? Really? And I would hope that the people they would be treating on WoW would be paying them through their insurance and co-pays for their in-game therapy.

Technically, they are being PAID to play.

As an aside, I recognize that the $200 therapist fee does not go straight into the therapist’s pocket. It goes towards their receptionists, rent, bills, etc as well, but it’s all in the cost of business, and with WoW, there’s A LOT of business to be found. So I say the cost of playing WoW is far outweighed by the business that would be generated in their practice through WoW.

How CAN you get cheaper than 15 bucks a month on such an immense game as WoW? That’s $180 a year, granted, but they’ll make that one year’s subscription all back in ONE HOUR. At least their addicts aren’t hooked on something like cocaine. Then their immersion therapy would be a hell of a lot more expensive, and you could NEVER get a discount on that shit, even the stuff cut with baby laxatives. …Not that I know, but I could imagine. Then again, one of the therapists in the article is quoted saying that WoW is “more addictive than crack cocaine.” Would HE know?

And, let me guess, those “peer mentors” aren’t paid, but are “volunteers”. Am I right? Every time I’ve ever worked with the title “peer mentor”, it’s been on a voluntary basis, and the fact that I improved another person’s life was my payment. No indication one way or another in the article, but I think I can be safe in my assumption, or perhaps their only compensation would be a free month depending on the number of hours they put into peer mentoring, and a liter of Mountain Dew with a long crazy straw.

What. The. F##K? Maybe I should become a therapist so I can exploit WoW users and even Blizzard themselves.

Let’s say Blizzard does indeed give a discount (or even waives their fees) in an effort to cure gaming addiction. Does this mean therapists and even doctors can now count on Jack Daniels to help foot the bill at the Betty Ford Clinic, or maybe Big Tobacco can pay for Grandpa Jim’s double-lung transplant? But all the while the patient and their insurance still pay, so they get paid TWICE.

So Blizzard would be literally PAYING to lose customers because those unfortunate souls got a well-intentioned but misfired therapy that the patient is ALSO paying for that cures them of wanting that specific addiction, rather than treating what DRIVES them to addiction. Once their WoW addiction is supposedly cured, the poor sods will find an addiction elsewhere because many people are hardwired to just be addicted to something; anything. And then they have to pay for more therapy.

I was at first intrigued and even in support of this online therapy idea, but now after reading the article and seeing all the WTFs involved… Let me say, I am amazed I have defended WoW. Holy hell.

I’ll take The Rapist for $400, Alex.


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Hot Off the Truck Knockoff Consoles

Posted on July 22, 2009. Filed under: Game, Misc. Geekery | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , |

I have a new favorite site, You May Also Like…, that finds the shit people trick you into buying after either a drug-fueled binge or getting your AARP card (or both? Tweaking grandmas?). So, out of sheer curiosity and wanting a good laugh, I went to one of their usual haunts, the Taylor Gifts website. Honestly, I have gotten a few ideas of what I need to spruce up and organize our little apartment in the Mushroom Kingdom that are actually useful (like an over-the-door pantry rack, or this decorative rack, and something to create more counter space in our teeny tiny kitchen) but I REFUSE to buy anything from them because I can find it elsewhere for much cheaper and be able to return it much more easily and directly without ponying up s&h a second time. Screw that.

I also found a lot of shit. A LOT. Lazy shit, useless shit, stupid shit, overpriced shit, worthless shit, gross shit, what-the-hell-does-this-exist-for shit, etc.

All they are good for is a roaring laugh at the expense of people being duped into debt (not that I’m one to talk, I have student loans).

But then I paused–I froze, much like this device probably will–when I came upon this gem: The Zone Wireless Game Station (yet it is curiously labeled as “Reactor”):

What… the… hell?

For 60 bucks, you can go to GameStop and get a used PS2 or 2 Gamecubes, which would be SOOOOOO much better than this. There aren’t even any reviews up for this yet because their loyal customers are nothing but a bunch of grannies, but maybe during the holidays they’ll get this because their Social Security checks unfortunately cannot cover the extra $190 (honestly, whose paycheck can these days at all? Even if the full $250 is affordable for a brand new current gen console, but still, get a freaking Wii or get something else entirely. But not a shitty-quality Michael Jackson commemorative T-shirt that looks like something Jermaine bedazzled and sells from the trunk of his 1973 shit-brown Ford Pinto–I’m only guessing. Don’t sue me). Better yet, just give the precious snowflake the 60 bucks.

…Actually, now that I’m looking more, that shit-inspiration is really the SECOND GENERATION. The first gen (with 7 games instead of 32) is on clearance for $39.99, so get it now while supplies last!

*facepalm* btw, it’s 16-bit. As much as Sega Genesis was awesome, the point is to progress technology, not to regress.

And OMFG, they are BATTERY-powered–even the consoles! No indication of an AC-adapter. TEN AA batteries. Cannot possibly be ALL for the wands. Just pure batteries that will suck you out of money. You only THINK you’re helping the environment by not using the electricity through your light socket, but no, they will end up in a New Jersey landfill. Fail. You lose, good day, sir. Next time you’re at a beach in Atlantic City using your preferred-player casino-hotel nights, wave hello to that pile you wasted. And, no, this shit never works.

However, if you do have a REAL Wii, the fine folks at Taylor Gifts also offer some shitty peripherals:

Only $9.98 a pop. Sorry golfers, only the bat and the racket are left.

Whew! That site exhausted me. Let’s see what else is on the internets…

Ah, this What-exactly-is-this-knocking-off knockoff:

The box says:

  • Excelencia
  • Entusiasmo
  • Disfrute
  • Hospitalidad

No, it’s not saying it’s going to excellently and enthusiastically dismember you so you end up in a hospital and are subjected to playing this piece of shit until you recover.

  • Excellence
  • Enthusiasm
  • It enjoys
  • Hospitality

That’s the literal translation according to Babel Fish. A console that’s hospitable? So it offers you a drink whenever you are at its house? In that case, make it a double.

Only ONE of the controllers is a rumble pack, but I wonder, wtf kind of games could you play? You couldn’t play a 360 game because it is a network (and has a way higher graphic quality, I’m sure, than this sad knockoff can handle). Perhaps PS2 games, or maybe Gamecube? And bonus: this “console” comes in black or white, so you can choose to coordinate that shitty hardware with whatever else (either as black as the heart, or white as the hair of the person who buys this for you)

Oh, and btw, they’re only available in bulk orders of 1000. You do have 999 friends, right? No word on the price, but I imagine it’s much higher MSRP than anyone would be willing to pay for that dust-collector. Psh! I’d rather see it used as a portable toilet.


I found knockoffs I could actually love: The Retro Duo and Gen X

It plays Sega Genesis, NES, and SNES cartridges. My favorite childhood consoles!! Found something like it for 80 bucks, but they’re way overpriced since a brand new Wii console there will set you back 275 clams. Might as well get that Zone Wireless Game Thingamajigger. Wait, no. No. Just no.

There’s no school like the old-school.

…but… wtf is this shit?:

I can’t even tell what it is or what it (supposedly) does, but I read in this very short gizmodo article that this circa early-90s-lunchbox-looking “console” claims to play 999,999,999 games. You really couldn’t do just ONE more to get to the full billion? FAIL.

I know there’s a shit-ton more knockoffs, but these are the ones that amused me/saddened me most.

After going through all that, I’m gonna need one of these:

Of course, I can find it cheaper than $29.98. Or, shit, just give me the freaking bottle. No need to dirty anything else.

Yes, Xbox-PS2-Atari-wtf-are-you knockoff, I WILL take that drink now. Screw the rocks. I’ll take it straight.

My shit counter is at 21, including that last shit.

Shit. 23.

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Another Way to Say to Gamers That They are Dirty, Dirty Bums

Posted on July 20, 2009. Filed under: Misc. Geekery | Tags: , , , , , , , , |

I follow Etsy on my Twitter. I don’t know why. It’s a cool online store, but it’s one of the most useless and self-indulgent Twitter pages ever. …oh, so that’s normal. Difference is that it is not amusing.

And then came this gem: The Sega Controller Soap

Sega Controller

Used to be 13 bucks earlier today, but now it’s been slashed to only 12. A whole 7.7% savings.

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Honey, guess what I bou–OW!! Why are you hurting me??

Posted on July 12, 2009. Filed under: Misc. Geekery | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , |

So, Mario gathered up a bunch of games and decided to do a trade-in to get something. He just wouldn’t tell me what it was. He was being all coy and playfully secretive about it (trying to play into my obsessive love for all things leading to the living god and my other boyfriend Alton Brown) by saying he intended to get something multifunctional instead of unifunctional. I’m all for practicality and multiple usages. This somewhat comforted me — somewhat — but since we’re still dealing with the gamerbf here, I still had heavy reservations that weighed upon me until he returned.

And then he dropped this gargantuan beast onto the bed when he came back, complete with a huge shit-eating grin.

The poor bed. I stared daggars at Mario because our Mushroom Kingdom is not that plentiful. At all. (plz be to hire me!) Mario started explaining himself, but it was all in gamerspeak, so it was just blah-blah-blah. Daggars. Still staring. My hand lunged towards him and he cowered in fear. I merely wanted the receipt. With all his discounts, he ended up paying around 50 bucks. I know to gamers that’s not all that much in terms of such goods, especially periphirals, but daaaaaamn. 50 bucks is approximately one utility in one month, or 1-1/2 tanks of gas. I seriously asked him how he pulled the money out of his ass and if it was because he had a secret second butthole, and if the later, why didn’t he tell me before?

The funny thing is, Mario made fun of people getting this device of the devil. Now he has one. Granted, the major difference is he didn’t drop 150 clams before tax and got what was essentially a 60% discount. But still, Jesus Krispies. I can name a lot of things I can get for 50 bills. Like… 50 items from the dollar store (not counting tax of course).

But Mario’s sitting in front of the tv, playing his Street Fighter IV and having a ball (and kicking major ass thanks to the new, still pricey, but awesome peripheral!). I’m glad he’s happy. He’s had a rough couple of weeks at work. That and he’s going to make us some mac ‘n’ cheese with peas and turkey dogs tonight. Mmmm…


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Ok, NOW We gamergfs Can Wield Power Over Video Games…

Posted on July 9, 2009. Filed under: Misc. Geekery | Tags: , , , , , , , , , |

Yeah, yeah, yeah, there’s been a parental control on the 360, but how the frick was I supposed to know?? You think Mario would tell me? Psh!

But now there’s something else… Invented by a grandparent, no less.

I find it amusing that the headline and the entirety of the article refer to children playing too much being not so kosher. And only the precious snowflakes.

Naturally, I hear about it just 4 days after making a pledge to become a pseudo-gamer to better understand my gamerbf. Now this shit’s just teasing me.

On the plus side, it’s only 30 bucks; half as much as a brand new game, fresh from the pressers. Yeah, you know you all loooove that new-game smell. They should make it into one of those tree deoderizers for your car. That stuff would make me gag, though. I hate new smells: new game, new car, new baby… All those things need to be either used many times, or cleaned before I’m no longer feeling barfy. Hey, babies can fit into washers with your other delicates, then they can drip-dry to be economical and eco-friendly.

But Mario has mentioned this before; whenever we have little ankle-bitters of our own running around, he will play games WITH them and EXPLAIN to them that it’s all fantasy (like with more violent video games. Even I curse that Thompson guy! Turd sandwich, or douchenozzle?) and we will set boundaries.

Of course, we still have yet to test that brilliant plan, so we’ll see what actually happens…

But a major con to this is I think the 30 dollars is too high a price to pay to simply put your foot down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Easy for me to say since I’m childless, but I’ve got a gamerbf so suck on that, toots!

Does this technology come in MMO-size? I know Mario’s dying to get back into WoW. Oh my.


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It’s Not Just the Internet That’s for Porn…

Posted on July 8, 2009. Filed under: Game, Misc. Geekery | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , |

I’m not a gamer, so I’m late to things. Forgive me.

Warning: These videos are NSFW. Kind of a given, but some people need to be told. Disclaimer: It is not my fault if you get fired from your job for not doing the proper thing and bringing in your own laptop and connecting to a nonwork-affiliated wifi. Or just waiting til you get home you horny jackass.


So CheapyD just twittered about “The world’s first action adventure porno video game”– BoneTown. They had to be that specific because it’s not the first porn game (I keep trying to spell ‘pron’… damn leets). Porn games have been around since the early 80s. I’ve known about this for a while (so I’m not THAT n00b-y) because it’s amazing what you can stumble into within just an hour of surfing on Wikipedia. Now these games are just kitschy and hilarious, like anything you’d find on the Home Shopping Network. I wouldn’t balk if the gamerbf came home with these since, well, they’re funny collectibles, certainly coffee table conversation pieces, and we also don’t have the consoles to play them on. C’est la vie.

The company Mystique filled the “Swedish erotica” hole in the video gaming market in 1982. From them came a slew of Atari 2600 games, such as the classic gems like “Beat ‘Em & Eat ‘Em”, “Bachelor Party” (no young Tom Hanks here, as it was still 2 years before the film’s release, sorry ladies. Atari was ahead of its time), and the fabled “Custer’s Revenge” where a naked, erect General George Armstrong Custer tries to find a way to bang a naked, big-breasted Native American woman tied up to a totem pole. It’s too ridiculous to be offensive. That and the 8-bit graphics help keep the X-rating down to more of a modern-day PG-13 with all the unintentional pixelization. It’s looks more, dare I say, cute than it does like something your twice-divorced 40-something cousin would actually get his rocks off on. ‘Cute’ in the sense that your hormonal 12-something cousin would be making those games for a giggle to gross out their sisters, and 8-bit’s the best he could do on his hand-me-down computer.

Besides, how in the hell COULD you manipulate TWO joysticks at the same time?? Especially with how bulky and stiff the Atari joysticks were. But if you’re a basement-dwelling, mouth-breathing, twice-divorced 40-something cousin eating failure piles in a sadness bowl and shitting into pringles cans, you’ll find a way.

So here’s “Beat ‘Em & Eat ‘Em”

“Bachelor Party”, where a suggested guy sprite literally bangs suggested girl sprites:

And, of course, “Custer’s Revenge”. I assume ‘revenge’ for being a media whore and getting fatally shot while commanding a one-sided battle:

Let’s be honest here, setting aside my twin X-chromosomes, she’s blindfolded and tied up. She’s really being raped. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not getting all up in arms about it. I’m not going to burn my bra or tie my black patent boots (which I don’t have …sorry honey) on tight, but let’s just call it as it is. That’s his ‘revenge’. Now that said, if I did get my hands all over that and started playing around with it, I’d laugh my ass off. But let’s just call it as it is, is all I’m saying.

Anyway, here’s BoneTown in all its gloryhole …um, glory…

Now it’s probably because I’ve got the double-whammy of both being a chick and an outright entertainment snob… I feel dirty, like my underwear contents have shifted unpleasantly and violently, and suddenly I have a pile of soiled counterfeit cash on my dresser that smells of sweat, blood, and cocaine. Now even though “Chariots of Fire” is one of my favorite films, I also love things that are raunchy and dirty, like any film from the 80s. You could say technically, like Molly Ringwald, I HAVE given panties to a geek. But I digress, I like dirty, but not DIRRTY.

What’s with the bust-waist-hip ratio that’s even worse than Barbie’s? It’s not body image I’m concerned about. How can they even do anything remotely doggie-style without snapping like a Slim-Jim? And there’s a Jewish redneck? Hell, the dude’s a rabbi! Ron Jeremy?! Mr. Jeremy, I have to say, is the obvious highlight. How can you have anything sex-related and NOT have Mr. Jeremy? That and the line, “We are not Arab, you ignorant pieces of shit! We are fucking Indians!” That made me quake so hard with a thousand ecstasies that the Earth moved.

I went to their official website. Of course, like any responsible mature website, you have to be at least 18. I’ve got almost 7 years on that, but I put down that my birthday’s January 22nd, 1960 anyway. Like any 12 year-old could. But it doesn’t matter because they have a woman on that same age verification page on all fours with her brown eye trying to say hi. Silly gooses!

At least the game is educational in case any 12 year-olds sneak through with their lying and daddy’s credit card number, as it tells us about history. In place of Puritans colonizing the US and cheating the Native Americans out of, erm, everything, instead they have the Mormons, as Puritans died out eons ago from sexless lives. Mormons are the 21st Century’s answer to the 19th Century. Instead of the Salem Witch Trials killing Puritanical influence, it took a plane crash of hard rockers to find all the drugs on the island and lick it up (that damn song…). Anyway, other cultures get wind of this freedom and freelove, and the island becomes a government-less melting pot.

DUN DUN DUN! But then, someone had the bright idea to introduce *gasp!* Crack. Oh noes! The black people did it! Money, power, and influence grew with the crack market and a corporation called “The Man” took control of it all, while society bent over and took it. Then after The Man had its fill, they criminalized all drugs and started passing more laws based on decency, sex, and conservatism.

Oh, and your own personal power and influence is dictated by your ball size.

They have notable characters in the game like Ron Jeremy, Moses, Jesus, Joseph Smith (who, according to the game, discovered Mormonism while on shrooms–Shroomanism!), ButtMan, Sexbot 0069, and Captain James T. Jerk, who probably has the biggest huevos in the land.

Their communities are broken down into these varied groups: Pygmies, Natives, Mormons, Hippies (duh), Mexicans, Blacks, The Man Corp, East Indians, White Trash Jews (what?), Asians (the people who finance us), Greeks (Frats and Sororities), Rockers (one rocker died next to his 50 wives and 200 children …Are you sure HE wasn’t Mormon?), and what every society needs: Crackheads.

…They need to proofread their pages, not because of any spelling and grammar errors, but because they’ve copied and pasted the same descriptions on the same page more than once. Sloppy. Oh, and they use a Star Wars reference for Capt. Kirk/Jerk. Fail.

The game is astutely observant to how the world currently is and twists it even further from there into fucked up angles. I don’t know whether to be utterly offended or highly amused. So I’ll settle for generally confused. I’ll play it. I won’t buy it, but I’d try it if given the chance just to see for myself.

I do have to say that for a game so full of rampant racism and misogyny, they certainly put a lot of thought into it.

And, for your enjoyment, here’s some more videos from their site.


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My Gaming Resume

Posted on July 6, 2009. Filed under: Game, Misc. Geekery | Tags: , , , , , , , |

I went through my past with video games, and I’m actually astonished with how much more extensive it is than I thought it would be. I’ve got a gamer in me yet!

I grew up on old school NES. My first game was the Mario Bros. and Duck Hunt combo. Of course, I always pressed the gun against the screen and played. ‘Twas my strategy. I also played Punch-Out. I could only beat Glass Joe, but I still thought it was kick ass. I had a whole stack of other games as well, but I don’t really remember them. I mean, I was in elementary school. I hardly remember a damn thing about that time other than some kid throwing a friggin’ worm in my hair and me screaming at the top of my lungs (and getting in trouble for doing so, wtf?). I also was excited to play MC Kids. Then I played it. It was awesome at first, then it sucked. Funny how it suddenly turned. Anyway.

I played a lot of DOS games that my Dad bootlegged on our trusty Tandy 3000 computer that Dad brought home from work since they were going to junk it, as it was 10 years old by then. I had Wheel of Fortune, Family Feud, Monopoly, choose your own adventure (where there’s no pictures, just all written, and you have to give your answers as DOS-commands), Level 42, Red Baron, Centipede, and a shitload of others (another whole stack, most I didn’t even play). I also played a really neat game where you played as a cool squirrel and you went through Greek ruins to get to pizza. Sounds crazy, but I loved the game. What the hell is it called? A baker’s dozen of tasty internet cookies to whomever can tell me what the heck it is. Now it’s bugging me.

Then we traded in the NES and its games to get a Sega Genesis. Kickass. I had the first 3 Sonic games and played the hell out of them. I mostly liked the 1st and 3rd ones. The 2nd one was alright. I also had Back to the Future III and played it obsessively, even though I never, EVER beat it (WTF?? PIES?? I couldn’t beat the frigging PIES?? I could hardly get past the FIRST level. Damn horses. The controls were screwy!). Such a tough game. I loved the music. We had a bunch of other games, but, again, I forget.

I was a McDonald’s kid. Whenever we wanted to celebrate, the ‘rents let my brother and I decide where to go. We always wanted the golden arches, much to our parents’ aching wallets’ relief. So, yeah, Playland was awesome. The arcade games were where it was at: Mortal Kombat, Street Fighter, and even Pacman (I think it was Mrs… It’s been so long). I demanded for more quarters while nibbling on my mcnuggets in their tasty bbq sauce. …Mmmmm… I should swing in to McD’s and swipe some. You ever notice how THEIR Heinz ketchup is 1000x better than the REAL Heinz ketchup?

Wait, this isn’t a Food Resume… It should be, but it is not.

I had a very good friend in middle school who had a SNES (man, I was impressed!), and we played Mortal Kombat all the freaking time. I once dressed up as Mileena for Halloween, using a purple turtleneck and some plastic sais. We also played the first Power Rangers video game and always beat the shit out of it. It was corny, but a decent game. It gave you enough entertainment and challenges to satisfy.

Then we traded all that in and got a PS2. As awesome as PS2 is (and still remains nearly a decade later), I regret getting rid of my Sega …and NES as well, but mostly the Sega. Anyway, I got through high school playing Crash Bandicoot 2 and Spyro. We didn’t have very many games on the PS2 since my brother and I didn’t play very often.

Then I went to college. Played no video games until towards the end of my second year. That’s when I was introduced to the Xbox and Halo. I would watch my friend play it until all hours at night. As soon as I would start playing, I’d be shot dead within 5 seconds. I su-diddley-ucked, but it was still fun. This friend and I drifted apart by our final year.

Sometime after college, I was bored and heard about Sims 2. I bought it and was never heard from again.

…Only not really. 6 months after graduating, I met the gamerbf. He has an Xbox 360 (now on his 3rd! Yeesh. At least it’s all been covered), then eventually got a PS2 for dirt cheap mostly as a dvd player, and then for Christmas a couple of years ago, I bought him a Wii. He really wants a PS3 (mostly as a more affordable blu-ray player since there are hardly any games to justify dropping a wad of dough on the console yet), but we’re pretty broke and I would kick him in the junk if he ever went ‘Honey, look what I bought!’ I think he mostly wants it for the sake of having it. Frankly, I think it’d be a waste of hundreds of dollars right now. The PS2 was awesome as it was. All they needed to do was improve the graphics and have the ability to go online and co-op, a la 360 …but that’s a different rant. Meh.

There you have it. I’m a semi-gamer. I feel different now. I still reserve the right to make fun of you for being a gamer though, Mario, so you’re not getting off that easy.

Oh, and I played some Atari, too. I think it as some sort of helicopter game, but I was hardly more than a wee baby then.


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