Castle Crashers: Technical Knockout

Posted on July 28, 2009. Filed under: Game | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , |

((I know, it’s really long, but I try to be entertaining. I swear! I’m still finding my footing with this blog. Any suggestions?))

After… SEVENTEEN days. Two and a half weeks (I simply don’t have the focus of a gamer, apparently). I have finished Castle Crashers. I started on July 7th, and finished July 24th.

I played as the Gray Guy.

Iddn’t he kyoot? Aww. One of his eyes is angwy. Makes me wanna pinch his gway cheeks. XPPPPPPPP

I’ve played the game before. Long, long ago. So I started as the Gray Guy. He was MY character. I left him off at a level 11. I couldn’t get past the freaking demented River Cat with the bloodstained sock puppet and living white evil teddy bear. I would usually play Mario’s Alien Hominid because he was so darn cute, his ‘magic’ was super effective, and I would just play to level his character up (He’s now at 51. You’re welcome). Since his Alien Hominid had already beaten the game, I would be able to bypass that smelly cat (What are they feeding you? –I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.) and try other levels. I only tried the Tall Grass Field and The Parade (but would get killed practically instantly).

I tend to freak easily, so I avoid things when I know I’m gonna freak, then that leads me to spaz, then I just want to scream, curl up, and suck on my thumb while singing “Take On Me” soothingly to myself, so this whole new experience has been quite interesting to say the least… Controllers flying everywhere. It’s a wonder that I haven’t broken anything (yet) or the neighbors haven’t called the cops. I should really film my adventures in gaming. It would bring the weird.

Anyway, I ended the game as a level 37. I was so excited when I reached level 20, so then I could use the best weapons. My favorites were: the Butcher Knife, the Club (those crit hits attracted me), the King’s Mace, and the NG Golden Sword. Before then, I preferred the Pumpkin Peeler and the Broad Ax.

I also loved how we could use animal orbs to help us out. My constant companion in the beginning was, of course, Giraffey, so I could level up faster. Then as I got closer to the end of the game, I started using these guys: Chicken, Spiny, and the Troll (which I SWORE by in the last cluster of battles before and including the Final Battle.

How did I build up my character? I mostly assigned points to Strength and Defense since I’m not that used to the controller yet and need to smash my enemies quickly and deftly (and to lessen the duration of my freakouts). Then after I had my Strength and Defense built up, I did Agility. I had a few in Magic, but the Gray Knight’s Magic is lame anyway and me pressing the bumpers just gets me hit and killed, so I didn’t bother. I don’t have that speed-thumb yet either. If I had experience in either the controller or speed-thumb, I’m sure I could have cut those 17 days in half. But, alas, I am a novice. I am learning. Slowly.

Since it’s been a few (busier than normal) days, let me try to gather my thoughts…

Everything up until the River Cat I’m quite expert and adept to, so not much to comment there. When I did start playing this time around, however, I did start from the beginning just to feel more authentic, I guess. But it was easy to just re-do stuff here (and it helped level my guy up further. Bonus). Whenever I play Super Mario Galaxy, I WON’T be doing that because some stars I HAVE achieved months and months ago were pains in the ass (btw, that will not be the next game I play).

Level-by-level play-by-play, after the River Cat:

Tall Grass Fields: I spazzed at those blood-stained teddy bears with sharp teeth. Button-mashed my way out of there.

Pipistrello’s Cave: …dotdotdot… Pipistrello sounds more like a teddy bear Italian father figure who runs the best damn pizza joint in the county, but instead he’s an enormous bat who shits smoky green poo on me, and then had his wittle bat minions nibble me to death. Here’s the kicker, I defeated him, but then one of his minion nibbled the last of my health and I DIED before I was officially declared the winner. F&$%^#*&%*$*$$&$#%#@KKKKK!!!!!!

You could say I was a smidge miffed, but I finally got my sweet, sweet revenge. BTW, it wasn’t until here, I believe, that I discovered what those potions were for: restoring health. Thanks Mario! Now I know to set my bumper so I can just tap B during a battle and be all set.

Flowery Field: Oddly, I don’t remember much about that level. I definitely don’t recall encountering any bees. I would totally remember it because I would have screamed “NOT THE BEEEEES!!! AHHHH!! THEY’RE IN MY EYES!! MY EYES!!! AHHHH!! ARRRRGG!!” a la Oscar-winning actor Nicolas Cage. But I don’t have the best of memories anyway, although I have a tendency towards savantism at times (mostly towards cooking/food trivia and classic cinema …or even crappy or campy cinema like the above example).

Wedding Crash: Another PITA level. Clusterfucks everywhere, and then the boss. Naturally, I get squicked when I first come upon a boss (whether I’ve fought them before or not) and then my heart feels like it’s gonna explode, then that adrenaline shoots into my elbows before radiating down to my wrists, then thumbs. It’s a weird sensation. It makes me jumpy and anxious. Is that how gaming is supposed to feel like, or is that generally reserved for n00bs like moi?

Anyway, that Groom is an ass. Nobody fricking fights fair. It’s all long-range stuff. What happened to dueling or even mano-a-mano? Guess dueling went out of style thanks to the pompous ass that was Aaron Burr (who dueled with another pompous ass, Alexander Hamilton …but that’s history). Whatever. I dodged those bombs and Y-ed the shit out of him when I had a chance, but as you get closer to defeating them, they get insanely faster. How can you compete with that?

Man I’m whiny. My n00b is showing. Is there a soothing salve for that?

Regardless, I beat his ass. And he taught me a valuable lesson: You always leave a note. They are BOSSES. They’re ENEMIES. No way in hell they are going to fight fair. They want you DEAD. It’s one of those things that you “know”, but you have to GET to know to actually KNOW it. …if that makes any sense. I know I hardly do. –And that’s not something I “know”, it’s something I KNOW.


What do I know? I’m used to Sonic the Hedgehog bosses.

Parade: OOH! A parade? You mean I get to put on a pretty bonnet with all the frills upon it and dance with Fred Astaire? Wait, no? Monkey balls. Instead I get to keep tapping Y, fighting yet another Massive Troll, and avoiding his lasers. Easy peasy. Intense, but almost sickeningly easy once you get used to it. My heart was still pounding the whole way through, though.

Cyclops’ Cave: Pretty basic and straightforward: you step into an area, get various minions, fight them off, get the blinking hand, go to the next area, get various minions, fight them off, etc, etc…

Cyclops’ Gate: Avoid lava splatter. That is all.

Cyclops’ Fortress: Those Coneheads are tough little bastards. Damn their lightsabers and agile movements in HEAVY ARMOR.

Lava World: Oh… no. Those Fire Demons are the tough little bastards. The Coneheads are their cuddly little cousins. They keep using their long-range magic attacks that leave me idling to get back up, only to be pelted by yet another fireball. Ugh. Then I got to the Volcano, and I thought ‘oh, this will be too easy’. Then I actually started fighting. Those fire demons just kept coming. When I killed them, they turned into a sandwich. I picked them up thinking they were health that I desperately (always) need. Then I started to go hit the Volcano, but it took NO hits. I finally figured out that I needed to USE the nummy PBJ sammies.

I defeated his magma ass and was ready for the next level. …Wait…what…?

THERE’S A DRAGON WITH A SOCK PUPPET??? The damage had been done. I needed new underpants. I was so scared, I returned to the map. I lost ALL my progress! So I had to start all over in Lava World. I was so miffed. Even if it were easy, it is time-consuming. And it is not easy. I shot Mario an email, bothering him at work. He simply told me to, well, avoid things and keep hitting him. …Okay. But he at least made me feel like I could do it (Buck up, little camper! Everyone’s a winner, champ! …but not really)

My strategy: Make sure my potions are all filled and ready, then switch to sandwiches being ready at the Volcano, then switch back to ready potions at the Dragon. With the Dragon, I stayed near his mouth the whole time, fighting the one minion, getting fire breathed on me (which didn’t deplete much health in the first place, come to find out later), do X-Y repeatedly while his head was down dousing me with flames, and not giving a damn when a boulder came and hit me since it also didn’t deplete much.

This boss’ bark is FAR bigger than his bite. Still scared the crap out of me, so I felt deceived, but nonetheless victorious! I slayed a dragon!

Industrial Castle: Those damn minions were tough and just kept coming, but it wasn’t insanely hard. It was just enough difficulty and pain-in-the-ass-ness; no more, no less. The headscratcher, though, was getting past those spiked mallets WITHOUT getting hit (which you can’t. Meh). On the rising platform, I X-Y-ed the snot out of everyone.

Then, the puffy purple boss with the Snidely Whiplash mustache. I’ll call him Baron von Douchebag, because he looks like he’s of feminine product nobility. Of course, in honor of cowardly bosses everywhere, Baron von Douchebag trumps them all by getting BEHIND a glass wall to control a MACHINE (obviously constructed by a freshman engineering student at Rutgers).

I’ll give that it is a tricky machine when you are first confronted with it, but then you get to know its quirks and choreography, so it’s easy. You just have to be patient to finally get the finger-walking arm, and the other dangerous substance-shooting arm.

Then once you explode everything, the Baron browns his puffy pantaloons and goes running away, but all there is is a balcony, so you excitedly punt him off it and collect a seeing eyeglass, so now you can get passage on the ship.

Pirate Ship: So I finally collected all 3 of those damn trinkets.

NINJAAAAS!!! Not pirates, but NINJAAAAS!!! Ninjas that take two hits, then turn into a log. Much like real ninjas. And they just keep freaking coming. Is there any end?

Desert: Sufficiently challenging without ticking you off. Those poison-spitting worms are annoying, but you gotta get right next to them to kill them and they will gnaw on your flesh a bit, then you have a few more baddies to slay as you dodge scorpions.At the end, there’s random alien spaceship that plop out Alien Hominids that you kill with one single hit, but they keep spitting out one to replace another. Then when finished, you have no choice but to get abducted.

Interesting level. Pretty damn straightforward and almost boring, but after all that adrenaline-pumping fighting before this level, the Desert makes a fine calming moment.

It’s like a mixed-tape: After you pump it up, you gotta bring it down.


Alien Ship: Im in a laser cage, but I use my mad archery skills to bust myself free, but then I get swarmed by cute and semi-deadly Alien Hominids. I slay them, collect their coins, gems, and food products, and then destroy another laserbeam cage.

Um… who the hell is that? Why is there a Beefy Alien and why is he in a cage? Oh shit he’s charging for me. Oh, he’s busting buttons. AHHHH!!! Self-destruct! I only have a minute to escape??!!!

You know how long this took me. A few hours over two days. Many, many, many attempts. I would barely make it to the velvet rope before we got blown up. Then I’d have to start ALL over again with the easy, but timely slaying of the aliens. Then there were a few times I got close, but then the next attempts would have me make stupid mistakes like getting hit by smoke which idles me, or hit by the ambushing aliens which again idles me.

Desert Chase: Just an interlude level. Again, to calm me down.

Sand Castle Interior: OMFG AMBUSH!! Why do you toy me so, Castle Crashers??

Sand Castle Roof: o_O? A volleyball game? It took me a while to figure out wtf was going on, and even longer to figure out HOW the hell to PLAY it. I got defeated countless times (they all pointed, laughed at me, and yelled “FAIL!” I hung my head in shame. I wanted my mommy).

The depth perception of the game SUCKS. You only THINK you’re right at the ball ready to whack it at them, but nope–it ends up flopping on your side and THEY get ticked a point and I get ticked off.

A few times I got close, but then I FREAKING WON!!! Boy did that feel good. I did a little dance.

Marsh: Easy as pie. You kill skeleton zombies and plunder graves. All in a day’s work. Those Forest Knights are sons of bitches, though.

Corn Boss: Super easy. Quite predictable. You just keep running across the map to better avoid where he may pop up. You can see him snapping at you from a mile away, and whenever he’s doing his weed-whacking movement, he always starts in the same spot and goes across in the same places. It’s just at the end when he’s constantly burrowing underground and popping back up at an insanely fast rate, so it’s harder for you to deliver the last blows. He’s also more likely to hit you, too, then, so it depletes your health, so I had those potions ready.

Flooded Temple: For some reason, once I got to this level, I was REALLY impressed with the game. I mean in terms of sheer imagination and art style. They truly thought of everything. Those large Fish Men were an interesting foe. Not too hard, not too easy, and the right amount of intimidating without making you crap your pants. I like that. I enjoy clean underwear.

Medusa’s Lair: Aaaand heeeeere’s where I crapped myself, since it’s a boss. I paused and shot Mario an email, asking for advice. Come to find out, like the Corn Boss, she has a predictable modus operandi. Block, short burst, block, short burst, block the cosmic rays or you’ll be turned into stone, etc, etc…


Ahem. I always got killed. Never could progress. Then I got Mario to play with me, so we had two characters. But as soon as we logged on together, suddenly the next level was unlocked. No need to play Full Moon.

Needless to say, we never played Full Moon and never looked back.

Snow World: Those Iceskimos are pesky little bastards. But we kicked the shit out of them.

Ice Castle: OMFG. Getting TO the boss was tougher than the actual boss. I had to keep reviving Mario’s guy (since he had to play a level 1 on the same machine as a different player) WHILE dodging arrows and ice balls. Not. Cool. *grumblepun*

We finally made it to the damn Frost King (Reminds me of the Snow Miser. ‘He’s Mister Icicle, he’s Mister Ten Below’, anyone??) We had to do a lot of quick stepping to avoid his attacks, his ice formations, and his falling icicles. So we got a couple of hits at a time here and there, but it took a long freaking time. And, naturally, as we got close to defeating him, he quickened his pace and had a greater barrage of falling icicles.

But we got ’em. We melted his ass.

…and he screams like Howard Dean? WTF? Creepy. And such a shame.

But now it’s time to take off your pull-ups and put on your big-boy pants. All that other crap is done with. Now, we come to the big stuff…

Wizard Castle Takeoff: Not much here, but certainly an introduction to all the trouble you’re going to be thrown into. You just walk through a desolate landscape with pretty purple lights, and then stop at 4 bosses (the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker, and the paininmyass) who take off. Then you whiz off into the sky and you have to avoid falling rocks.

Wizard Castle Interior: Those Wizard Minions. They aren’t the toughest minions (I think the Stove Faces (and especially their Beefy ones), BY FAR, are, followed by the Industrialists and Fencers), but they certainly are up there.

I get through all that crap, then I’m taken to a room with 4 doors. 3 are sealed. I go into the first and am met by The Painter. He’s quite irritating because first it’s like ‘Who the hell IS this guy? And what the hell is he doing here?’ He seemed so out of place, and it deviates quite far from the overall feel of the game and even the art style.

The paintings are just as irritating. How the hell do you kill them without harming yourself? The Painter won’t come back down (giving you chance to attack) until his current batch of creations are destroyed somehow. So I was resolved to using my right trigger and the B button to bomb them.

And bomb them.

And bomb them.

So either I have to keep bombing them umpteen million times a piece, or I give up and let them hit me, taking off some of my health (thankfully I used the Troll orb to restore it bit by bit, so the bombing interludes were beneficial when I needed to keep my health and not use potions until later bosses), but it also makes those bright cheery bastards disappear, freeing up their asshole creator, so I can X-Y the shit out of him for another 2 seconds.

Then at the end, he has a whole roomful of friends join us as I make the Painter come down with a case of food poisoning (“It must have been something I ate”), and then barfs up fresh food for me to eat. Yum. Yum.

Cyclops II is by far the creepiest anything in this game. He’s a freaking zombie (who you first defeated earlier) who carts around the coffin of his zombie friend (or rumored to be his son) The Groom. I cannot emphasize this enough: It is fucking creepy.

So the Cyclops spits fireballs at you, then sits on top of the coffin, lets out the undead Groom who ghoulishly chases you while bloodcurdling organ music plays, and the Cyclops ass-slams his way around on top of the coffin to try to squish you.


As creepy as it is, it is unbelievably easy since there is a definite rhythm. All you have to do is keep running around the room to avoid stuff and get closer as you know the Cyclops is idling himself so he’s open to attack. You’ll know when he’s going to body-slam the coffin into you (and he attempts about 3 times at a time), then he spits fireballs (which you simply block), and then releases the Groom and does ass-slams. Easy, easy, easy.

Creepy. Well done.

Ahh, the Necromancer (is that a portmanteau for someone who romances dead people?). Here’s where the ‘T’ in the ‘TKO’ comes in.

I never defeated this guy.

What happened was I’d button-mash my way through all the crazy freaking chaos, but I’d end up hitting B a lot and would deplete my potions really quick. I did ALMOST defeat the second wave. It was down to me and one of the Beefy minions. The Beefy minion won, naturally. I was frustrated, so I had Mario play the rest of the game, beating it all.

I wanted to watch to see what I’d be up against.

Thing is, I never could defeat that damn second wave at the Necromancer’s level. So I skipped that and went straight to the…

Final Battle: There are about 6 incarnations of The Evil Wizard. It’s easy, but exciting. I enjoyed every second of playing him, unlike the wretched Necromancer. I, myself, defeated the Evil Wizard.

So it was a KO, as I played the Final Battle by myself, but a TKO as I never got through the Necromancer myself.

And the coup de grace was we unlocked the bane of my gaming existence:

Stove Face. Freaking Stove Face.

I never plan on playing the game again, so this just taunts me miserably.

Overall: The game is deceptively cute. It is far more difficult than you’d think it would be. The creators but a lot of work and thought into it, and I respect that immensely. There are many parts where it is either way to easy or else wickedly difficult, and not a lot of balance.

I can say I fucking did it, though! I DID IT!!!

I also wanted to use my Gray Knight to play the Ice Arena and beat it to get Mario the Iceskimo, but so far my efforts have been full of fail. I might have to use the Alien Hominid to blast them all to kingdom come. And also easily go around to obtain the Sausage (or Kielbasa to us Polaks), the Pitchfork, maybe the Ribeye, and maybe a few others. We shall see.

So what is my NEXT game? Well, I’m thinking there was one game I really laughed my ass off watching Mario play. Maybe it’s time I play it as well. Doesn’t seem too hard, but not too easy. Maybe I can even co-op with Luigi, as I had the pleasure of watching Mario co-op with Luigi to hilarious results (backing up SWAT trucks over each other and such). Good times.

GTA IV, bitches.


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Hot Off the Truck Knockoff Consoles

Posted on July 22, 2009. Filed under: Game, Misc. Geekery | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , |

I have a new favorite site, You May Also Like…, that finds the shit people trick you into buying after either a drug-fueled binge or getting your AARP card (or both? Tweaking grandmas?). So, out of sheer curiosity and wanting a good laugh, I went to one of their usual haunts, the Taylor Gifts website. Honestly, I have gotten a few ideas of what I need to spruce up and organize our little apartment in the Mushroom Kingdom that are actually useful (like an over-the-door pantry rack, or this decorative rack, and something to create more counter space in our teeny tiny kitchen) but I REFUSE to buy anything from them because I can find it elsewhere for much cheaper and be able to return it much more easily and directly without ponying up s&h a second time. Screw that.

I also found a lot of shit. A LOT. Lazy shit, useless shit, stupid shit, overpriced shit, worthless shit, gross shit, what-the-hell-does-this-exist-for shit, etc.

All they are good for is a roaring laugh at the expense of people being duped into debt (not that I’m one to talk, I have student loans).

But then I paused–I froze, much like this device probably will–when I came upon this gem: The Zone Wireless Game Station (yet it is curiously labeled as “Reactor”):

What… the… hell?

For 60 bucks, you can go to GameStop and get a used PS2 or 2 Gamecubes, which would be SOOOOOO much better than this. There aren’t even any reviews up for this yet because their loyal customers are nothing but a bunch of grannies, but maybe during the holidays they’ll get this because their Social Security checks unfortunately cannot cover the extra $190 (honestly, whose paycheck can these days at all? Even if the full $250 is affordable for a brand new current gen console, but still, get a freaking Wii or get something else entirely. But not a shitty-quality Michael Jackson commemorative T-shirt that looks like something Jermaine bedazzled and sells from the trunk of his 1973 shit-brown Ford Pinto–I’m only guessing. Don’t sue me). Better yet, just give the precious snowflake the 60 bucks.

…Actually, now that I’m looking more, that shit-inspiration is really the SECOND GENERATION. The first gen (with 7 games instead of 32) is on clearance for $39.99, so get it now while supplies last!

*facepalm* btw, it’s 16-bit. As much as Sega Genesis was awesome, the point is to progress technology, not to regress.

And OMFG, they are BATTERY-powered–even the consoles! No indication of an AC-adapter. TEN AA batteries. Cannot possibly be ALL for the wands. Just pure batteries that will suck you out of money. You only THINK you’re helping the environment by not using the electricity through your light socket, but no, they will end up in a New Jersey landfill. Fail. You lose, good day, sir. Next time you’re at a beach in Atlantic City using your preferred-player casino-hotel nights, wave hello to that pile you wasted. And, no, this shit never works.

However, if you do have a REAL Wii, the fine folks at Taylor Gifts also offer some shitty peripherals:

Only $9.98 a pop. Sorry golfers, only the bat and the racket are left.

Whew! That site exhausted me. Let’s see what else is on the internets…

Ah, this What-exactly-is-this-knocking-off knockoff:

The box says:

  • Excelencia
  • Entusiasmo
  • Disfrute
  • Hospitalidad

No, it’s not saying it’s going to excellently and enthusiastically dismember you so you end up in a hospital and are subjected to playing this piece of shit until you recover.

  • Excellence
  • Enthusiasm
  • It enjoys
  • Hospitality

That’s the literal translation according to Babel Fish. A console that’s hospitable? So it offers you a drink whenever you are at its house? In that case, make it a double.

Only ONE of the controllers is a rumble pack, but I wonder, wtf kind of games could you play? You couldn’t play a 360 game because it is a network (and has a way higher graphic quality, I’m sure, than this sad knockoff can handle). Perhaps PS2 games, or maybe Gamecube? And bonus: this “console” comes in black or white, so you can choose to coordinate that shitty hardware with whatever else (either as black as the heart, or white as the hair of the person who buys this for you)

Oh, and btw, they’re only available in bulk orders of 1000. You do have 999 friends, right? No word on the price, but I imagine it’s much higher MSRP than anyone would be willing to pay for that dust-collector. Psh! I’d rather see it used as a portable toilet.


I found knockoffs I could actually love: The Retro Duo and Gen X

It plays Sega Genesis, NES, and SNES cartridges. My favorite childhood consoles!! Found something like it for 80 bucks, but they’re way overpriced since a brand new Wii console there will set you back 275 clams. Might as well get that Zone Wireless Game Thingamajigger. Wait, no. No. Just no.

There’s no school like the old-school.

…but… wtf is this shit?:

I can’t even tell what it is or what it (supposedly) does, but I read in this very short gizmodo article that this circa early-90s-lunchbox-looking “console” claims to play 999,999,999 games. You really couldn’t do just ONE more to get to the full billion? FAIL.

I know there’s a shit-ton more knockoffs, but these are the ones that amused me/saddened me most.

After going through all that, I’m gonna need one of these:

Of course, I can find it cheaper than $29.98. Or, shit, just give me the freaking bottle. No need to dirty anything else.

Yes, Xbox-PS2-Atari-wtf-are-you knockoff, I WILL take that drink now. Screw the rocks. I’ll take it straight.

My shit counter is at 21, including that last shit.

Shit. 23.

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Still Crashing That Castle

Posted on July 14, 2009. Filed under: Game | Tags: , , , , , |

So… this one game a week thing… No idea how that’s going to work out since I don’t have the patience and endurance of a gamer. 2 hours of gaming at a time is a stretch for me and I’m prone to headaches. Bah. I like gaming, but my body doesn’t. Double bah.

What I originally thought, was to play (and finish!) one game every week. A lofty ambition, I know, but I’m without a job right now, so it could be possible. I had hoped Castle Crashers would be a perfect first game to get me warmed into it. OMFG that’s a lot of game! I’ve played through all the parts that I have either all ready played, or that I watched Mario play, but there’s still A LOT of game left.

So maybe 1 game every 2 weeks with periodic updates? Once I get a job (who knows if part-time or full-time), I’ll have less time to game and will need to fight Mario for the controller, but he will win of course since he IS a gamer.

So my thoughts on Castle Crashers so far?? Okies. It’s a cute game, the music’s awesome, the animation’s distinctive, the game controls are okay, and the Y button is my favorite button. I hate using the ‘magic’ because I find if I use my bumpers, I get hit by my opponents, so might as well just continue to pummel them with that treasured Y button.

Where have I ended up? I got as far as the Lava World and beat it on the first section of the map. I now have all 3 items to allow me passage on the ship, ended up in a desert with large hairy worms that spit green poison, and then I got abducted by alien hominids. Just another day in paradise…

I also went to that abandoned factory to save the clown princess and I beat that short, puffy, purple douche, but I was tired and quit the game after that, losing ALL my progress. So I will have to start all over again. See, I don’t have that gamer patience to just go until I have a save spot. If I’m done, I’m done. Save be damned. That’s the BIGGEST flaw of the game. It takes so freaking long to get to a damn save spot, so I would have to sacrifice my sanity just to get to a damn save spot on the more elaborate and timely levels such as the abandoned factory. To the seasoned gamer, that’s nothing, but to a novice of modern gaming, it’s moving heaven and earth and the angels don’t like it.

My (mis)adventures in gaming consisted of getting MAD wrist pain the morning after my first gaming session. Ow. Ow. Ow. Sharp stabbing pains came every few minutes. My wrist was in freaking labor! So I took a break that day. I could only imagine how my poor wrist would have felt after playing with the OLD Xbox monstrosity of a gamepad! I much prefer the Playstation gamepad. It’s simple, smaller, and sleeker. The Xbox 360 gamepad is still too bulky and fussy. Meh.

Yes. Yes, I DO yell at the tv while playing a boss that just keeps killing me. Every boss requires me to die several times before I get to return the favor just once. Like that damn Bat boss. The mini bat minions would just nibble me to death, and then I’d get a smokey green poo on me. A couple of attempts, I would defeat the boss, but then one of the minions would nibble me and I’d DIE! So it didn’t COUNT! I would have to do it all over again! Boy did I scream at the tv then.

My favorite moment was: “Wait! There’s a SECOND BOSS?? Then wtf was that guy?? Holy shit this second boss is massive. And it breathes FIRE?? AND there’s hulking boulders hurling themselves at me from the other side?? And he was a sock puppet??”

What is it with bosses and their sock puppets? The cat in the river, the Lava World devil-looking thing that breathes fire?

Anyway, I about shit my pants when I saw that second Lava World boss that I returned to the map to chill out and reorganize. Well, I LOST all my progress in the Lava World level, so I had to start ALL over again. Dammit.

I’m going to take Castle Crashers’ mother out to a nice seafood dinner and then never call her again.

…I’ll keep playing the game, though 😉


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It’s Not Just the Internet That’s for Porn…

Posted on July 8, 2009. Filed under: Game, Misc. Geekery | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , |

I’m not a gamer, so I’m late to things. Forgive me.

Warning: These videos are NSFW. Kind of a given, but some people need to be told. Disclaimer: It is not my fault if you get fired from your job for not doing the proper thing and bringing in your own laptop and connecting to a nonwork-affiliated wifi. Or just waiting til you get home you horny jackass.


So CheapyD just twittered about “The world’s first action adventure porno video game”– BoneTown. They had to be that specific because it’s not the first porn game (I keep trying to spell ‘pron’… damn leets). Porn games have been around since the early 80s. I’ve known about this for a while (so I’m not THAT n00b-y) because it’s amazing what you can stumble into within just an hour of surfing on Wikipedia. Now these games are just kitschy and hilarious, like anything you’d find on the Home Shopping Network. I wouldn’t balk if the gamerbf came home with these since, well, they’re funny collectibles, certainly coffee table conversation pieces, and we also don’t have the consoles to play them on. C’est la vie.

The company Mystique filled the “Swedish erotica” hole in the video gaming market in 1982. From them came a slew of Atari 2600 games, such as the classic gems like “Beat ‘Em & Eat ‘Em”, “Bachelor Party” (no young Tom Hanks here, as it was still 2 years before the film’s release, sorry ladies. Atari was ahead of its time), and the fabled “Custer’s Revenge” where a naked, erect General George Armstrong Custer tries to find a way to bang a naked, big-breasted Native American woman tied up to a totem pole. It’s too ridiculous to be offensive. That and the 8-bit graphics help keep the X-rating down to more of a modern-day PG-13 with all the unintentional pixelization. It’s looks more, dare I say, cute than it does like something your twice-divorced 40-something cousin would actually get his rocks off on. ‘Cute’ in the sense that your hormonal 12-something cousin would be making those games for a giggle to gross out their sisters, and 8-bit’s the best he could do on his hand-me-down computer.

Besides, how in the hell COULD you manipulate TWO joysticks at the same time?? Especially with how bulky and stiff the Atari joysticks were. But if you’re a basement-dwelling, mouth-breathing, twice-divorced 40-something cousin eating failure piles in a sadness bowl and shitting into pringles cans, you’ll find a way.

So here’s “Beat ‘Em & Eat ‘Em”

“Bachelor Party”, where a suggested guy sprite literally bangs suggested girl sprites:

And, of course, “Custer’s Revenge”. I assume ‘revenge’ for being a media whore and getting fatally shot while commanding a one-sided battle:

Let’s be honest here, setting aside my twin X-chromosomes, she’s blindfolded and tied up. She’s really being raped. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not getting all up in arms about it. I’m not going to burn my bra or tie my black patent boots (which I don’t have …sorry honey) on tight, but let’s just call it as it is. That’s his ‘revenge’. Now that said, if I did get my hands all over that and started playing around with it, I’d laugh my ass off. But let’s just call it as it is, is all I’m saying.

Anyway, here’s BoneTown in all its gloryhole …um, glory…

Now it’s probably because I’ve got the double-whammy of both being a chick and an outright entertainment snob… I feel dirty, like my underwear contents have shifted unpleasantly and violently, and suddenly I have a pile of soiled counterfeit cash on my dresser that smells of sweat, blood, and cocaine. Now even though “Chariots of Fire” is one of my favorite films, I also love things that are raunchy and dirty, like any film from the 80s. You could say technically, like Molly Ringwald, I HAVE given panties to a geek. But I digress, I like dirty, but not DIRRTY.

What’s with the bust-waist-hip ratio that’s even worse than Barbie’s? It’s not body image I’m concerned about. How can they even do anything remotely doggie-style without snapping like a Slim-Jim? And there’s a Jewish redneck? Hell, the dude’s a rabbi! Ron Jeremy?! Mr. Jeremy, I have to say, is the obvious highlight. How can you have anything sex-related and NOT have Mr. Jeremy? That and the line, “We are not Arab, you ignorant pieces of shit! We are fucking Indians!” That made me quake so hard with a thousand ecstasies that the Earth moved.

I went to their official website. Of course, like any responsible mature website, you have to be at least 18. I’ve got almost 7 years on that, but I put down that my birthday’s January 22nd, 1960 anyway. Like any 12 year-old could. But it doesn’t matter because they have a woman on that same age verification page on all fours with her brown eye trying to say hi. Silly gooses!

At least the game is educational in case any 12 year-olds sneak through with their lying and daddy’s credit card number, as it tells us about history. In place of Puritans colonizing the US and cheating the Native Americans out of, erm, everything, instead they have the Mormons, as Puritans died out eons ago from sexless lives. Mormons are the 21st Century’s answer to the 19th Century. Instead of the Salem Witch Trials killing Puritanical influence, it took a plane crash of hard rockers to find all the drugs on the island and lick it up (that damn song…). Anyway, other cultures get wind of this freedom and freelove, and the island becomes a government-less melting pot.

DUN DUN DUN! But then, someone had the bright idea to introduce *gasp!* Crack. Oh noes! The black people did it! Money, power, and influence grew with the crack market and a corporation called “The Man” took control of it all, while society bent over and took it. Then after The Man had its fill, they criminalized all drugs and started passing more laws based on decency, sex, and conservatism.

Oh, and your own personal power and influence is dictated by your ball size.

They have notable characters in the game like Ron Jeremy, Moses, Jesus, Joseph Smith (who, according to the game, discovered Mormonism while on shrooms–Shroomanism!), ButtMan, Sexbot 0069, and Captain James T. Jerk, who probably has the biggest huevos in the land.

Their communities are broken down into these varied groups: Pygmies, Natives, Mormons, Hippies (duh), Mexicans, Blacks, The Man Corp, East Indians, White Trash Jews (what?), Asians (the people who finance us), Greeks (Frats and Sororities), Rockers (one rocker died next to his 50 wives and 200 children …Are you sure HE wasn’t Mormon?), and what every society needs: Crackheads.

…They need to proofread their pages, not because of any spelling and grammar errors, but because they’ve copied and pasted the same descriptions on the same page more than once. Sloppy. Oh, and they use a Star Wars reference for Capt. Kirk/Jerk. Fail.

The game is astutely observant to how the world currently is and twists it even further from there into fucked up angles. I don’t know whether to be utterly offended or highly amused. So I’ll settle for generally confused. I’ll play it. I won’t buy it, but I’d try it if given the chance just to see for myself.

I do have to say that for a game so full of rampant racism and misogyny, they certainly put a lot of thought into it.

And, for your enjoyment, here’s some more videos from their site.


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My Gaming Resume

Posted on July 6, 2009. Filed under: Game, Misc. Geekery | Tags: , , , , , , , |

I went through my past with video games, and I’m actually astonished with how much more extensive it is than I thought it would be. I’ve got a gamer in me yet!

I grew up on old school NES. My first game was the Mario Bros. and Duck Hunt combo. Of course, I always pressed the gun against the screen and played. ‘Twas my strategy. I also played Punch-Out. I could only beat Glass Joe, but I still thought it was kick ass. I had a whole stack of other games as well, but I don’t really remember them. I mean, I was in elementary school. I hardly remember a damn thing about that time other than some kid throwing a friggin’ worm in my hair and me screaming at the top of my lungs (and getting in trouble for doing so, wtf?). I also was excited to play MC Kids. Then I played it. It was awesome at first, then it sucked. Funny how it suddenly turned. Anyway.

I played a lot of DOS games that my Dad bootlegged on our trusty Tandy 3000 computer that Dad brought home from work since they were going to junk it, as it was 10 years old by then. I had Wheel of Fortune, Family Feud, Monopoly, choose your own adventure (where there’s no pictures, just all written, and you have to give your answers as DOS-commands), Level 42, Red Baron, Centipede, and a shitload of others (another whole stack, most I didn’t even play). I also played a really neat game where you played as a cool squirrel and you went through Greek ruins to get to pizza. Sounds crazy, but I loved the game. What the hell is it called? A baker’s dozen of tasty internet cookies to whomever can tell me what the heck it is. Now it’s bugging me.

Then we traded in the NES and its games to get a Sega Genesis. Kickass. I had the first 3 Sonic games and played the hell out of them. I mostly liked the 1st and 3rd ones. The 2nd one was alright. I also had Back to the Future III and played it obsessively, even though I never, EVER beat it (WTF?? PIES?? I couldn’t beat the frigging PIES?? I could hardly get past the FIRST level. Damn horses. The controls were screwy!). Such a tough game. I loved the music. We had a bunch of other games, but, again, I forget.

I was a McDonald’s kid. Whenever we wanted to celebrate, the ‘rents let my brother and I decide where to go. We always wanted the golden arches, much to our parents’ aching wallets’ relief. So, yeah, Playland was awesome. The arcade games were where it was at: Mortal Kombat, Street Fighter, and even Pacman (I think it was Mrs… It’s been so long). I demanded for more quarters while nibbling on my mcnuggets in their tasty bbq sauce. …Mmmmm… I should swing in to McD’s and swipe some. You ever notice how THEIR Heinz ketchup is 1000x better than the REAL Heinz ketchup?

Wait, this isn’t a Food Resume… It should be, but it is not.

I had a very good friend in middle school who had a SNES (man, I was impressed!), and we played Mortal Kombat all the freaking time. I once dressed up as Mileena for Halloween, using a purple turtleneck and some plastic sais. We also played the first Power Rangers video game and always beat the shit out of it. It was corny, but a decent game. It gave you enough entertainment and challenges to satisfy.

Then we traded all that in and got a PS2. As awesome as PS2 is (and still remains nearly a decade later), I regret getting rid of my Sega …and NES as well, but mostly the Sega. Anyway, I got through high school playing Crash Bandicoot 2 and Spyro. We didn’t have very many games on the PS2 since my brother and I didn’t play very often.

Then I went to college. Played no video games until towards the end of my second year. That’s when I was introduced to the Xbox and Halo. I would watch my friend play it until all hours at night. As soon as I would start playing, I’d be shot dead within 5 seconds. I su-diddley-ucked, but it was still fun. This friend and I drifted apart by our final year.

Sometime after college, I was bored and heard about Sims 2. I bought it and was never heard from again.

…Only not really. 6 months after graduating, I met the gamerbf. He has an Xbox 360 (now on his 3rd! Yeesh. At least it’s all been covered), then eventually got a PS2 for dirt cheap mostly as a dvd player, and then for Christmas a couple of years ago, I bought him a Wii. He really wants a PS3 (mostly as a more affordable blu-ray player since there are hardly any games to justify dropping a wad of dough on the console yet), but we’re pretty broke and I would kick him in the junk if he ever went ‘Honey, look what I bought!’ I think he mostly wants it for the sake of having it. Frankly, I think it’d be a waste of hundreds of dollars right now. The PS2 was awesome as it was. All they needed to do was improve the graphics and have the ability to go online and co-op, a la 360 …but that’s a different rant. Meh.

There you have it. I’m a semi-gamer. I feel different now. I still reserve the right to make fun of you for being a gamer though, Mario, so you’re not getting off that easy.

Oh, and I played some Atari, too. I think it as some sort of helicopter game, but I was hardly more than a wee baby then.


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